Post by pokemongood on Jan 14, 2008 23:57:30 GMT
I recently began writing a fanfic for yugioh gx, although I'm not keeping any of the original characters just the setting... I was wondering if someone could take some time and rate the prologue? Constructive criticism is greatly appreciated.
Prologue
Abruptly the computer screen went blank as she watched the screen. The next moment her chair was pulled from behind, angrily she whirled around to see who interrupted her.
“We’re going to be late Lin.” A dark haired boy stood swinging the power cord with a slightly annoyed expression on his face. “I told you it was today at one o’ clock.”
“Max! I told you I wasn’t going because it interfered with my plans. Now I have to restart my computer and it’s probably messed up... But first I would like to have the cord back.” Leaping up she lunged at Max who simply stepped aside as she propelled forward in his direction.
“You promised remember, plus it’s important that you go. I’ll drag you there if I have to you know although I don’t really want to do that. Anyways it’s not like your plans were important or anything. I mean you can watch your computer any day you want. This is important.”
Lin gave him a sour look her eyes flashing angrily, “I’ve been planning this for a month already but then you come and interrupt my plans. Great Max, just great.”
“First of all I told you about this three months ago, secondly you’re wasting our time. Stop being so annoying and lets go already!”
“Who said I was being annoying? You’re the annoying one! But it’s really not worth my time to get in an argument with you right now.”
“Does that mean you’re going to go?” Max said hopefully.
“No.”
“I guess that means you’re going to miss the collectibles available then?” Max said raising an eye.
“Wha? Why didn’t you say that earlier?! Then we could have skipped this. You idiot,” she muttered under her breath.
“If I had known you would go for that I would have said something earlier but I didn’t think you would care.” Max said shrugging with a small grin on his face.
“Whatever,” Lin said walking towards the door. “Lets just go before everything is sold out. “
Lin squinted, her eyes unaccustomed to the bright sun of the outdoors due to usually being inside her room on the computer and broke into a sprint. Max watched her go by with an amused expression on his face and observed the area around him. He had walked through this path many times before ever since he had moved to the area five years ago. To school and back. Not much had changed in the area in those five years.
Max sighed Coming out of his thoughts he noticed Lin had stopped running and was staring at a random tree on the side of the sidewalk. Probably waiting for me to catch up… Max thought. Changing his pace to a jog he continued after he passed Lin, knowing that she would be coming after him.
“Max you cheater! You went past me while I stopped for you,” she caught up to him her face red and her breathing hard.
“It’s not my fault you decided to stop,” Max shot back, “We’re already there, I’ve won.”
“No fair! You cheated,” Lin protested. “Wait aren’t we in the wrong place? You took a wrong turn Max, this is for the thing, what was it called again…. I forgot…”
“We’re going to try out,” Max said with a grin on his face.
“Try out for what?” her eyes were looked around, as if searching for an answer.
“I thought you knew,” Max muttered clearly becoming annoyed. “For Duel Academy remember? Oh wait… I didn’t tell you did I?”
“You planned for me to take a test and didn’t even tell me?!” Lin yelled. “I hate tests! I thought we were going to the local high school, not some fancy school in the middle of the ocean. I can’t get in, and how do you think you’ll get in. I mean you’re okay but not good enough to get in. We’re going to get humiliated… I’m not trying even.”
Max stared at Lin, his brown eyes intent. “Remember before, you said you wanted an adventure, not to do nothing different or exciting. I have a good feeling about this, trust me. I even brought your deck.” Max reached into his pocket and pulled out a rectangular object and threw it at Lin. “Back out if you really want to, I’m going to try for it.” He turned on his heel with a determined expression and walked towards the building without a single glance back.
“Thanks Max,” Lin muttered under her breath.
Prologue
Abruptly the computer screen went blank as she watched the screen. The next moment her chair was pulled from behind, angrily she whirled around to see who interrupted her.
“We’re going to be late Lin.” A dark haired boy stood swinging the power cord with a slightly annoyed expression on his face. “I told you it was today at one o’ clock.”
“Max! I told you I wasn’t going because it interfered with my plans. Now I have to restart my computer and it’s probably messed up... But first I would like to have the cord back.” Leaping up she lunged at Max who simply stepped aside as she propelled forward in his direction.
“You promised remember, plus it’s important that you go. I’ll drag you there if I have to you know although I don’t really want to do that. Anyways it’s not like your plans were important or anything. I mean you can watch your computer any day you want. This is important.”
Lin gave him a sour look her eyes flashing angrily, “I’ve been planning this for a month already but then you come and interrupt my plans. Great Max, just great.”
“First of all I told you about this three months ago, secondly you’re wasting our time. Stop being so annoying and lets go already!”
“Who said I was being annoying? You’re the annoying one! But it’s really not worth my time to get in an argument with you right now.”
“Does that mean you’re going to go?” Max said hopefully.
“No.”
“I guess that means you’re going to miss the collectibles available then?” Max said raising an eye.
“Wha? Why didn’t you say that earlier?! Then we could have skipped this. You idiot,” she muttered under her breath.
“If I had known you would go for that I would have said something earlier but I didn’t think you would care.” Max said shrugging with a small grin on his face.
“Whatever,” Lin said walking towards the door. “Lets just go before everything is sold out. “
Lin squinted, her eyes unaccustomed to the bright sun of the outdoors due to usually being inside her room on the computer and broke into a sprint. Max watched her go by with an amused expression on his face and observed the area around him. He had walked through this path many times before ever since he had moved to the area five years ago. To school and back. Not much had changed in the area in those five years.
Max sighed Coming out of his thoughts he noticed Lin had stopped running and was staring at a random tree on the side of the sidewalk. Probably waiting for me to catch up… Max thought. Changing his pace to a jog he continued after he passed Lin, knowing that she would be coming after him.
“Max you cheater! You went past me while I stopped for you,” she caught up to him her face red and her breathing hard.
“It’s not my fault you decided to stop,” Max shot back, “We’re already there, I’ve won.”
“No fair! You cheated,” Lin protested. “Wait aren’t we in the wrong place? You took a wrong turn Max, this is for the thing, what was it called again…. I forgot…”
“We’re going to try out,” Max said with a grin on his face.
“Try out for what?” her eyes were looked around, as if searching for an answer.
“I thought you knew,” Max muttered clearly becoming annoyed. “For Duel Academy remember? Oh wait… I didn’t tell you did I?”
“You planned for me to take a test and didn’t even tell me?!” Lin yelled. “I hate tests! I thought we were going to the local high school, not some fancy school in the middle of the ocean. I can’t get in, and how do you think you’ll get in. I mean you’re okay but not good enough to get in. We’re going to get humiliated… I’m not trying even.”
Max stared at Lin, his brown eyes intent. “Remember before, you said you wanted an adventure, not to do nothing different or exciting. I have a good feeling about this, trust me. I even brought your deck.” Max reached into his pocket and pulled out a rectangular object and threw it at Lin. “Back out if you really want to, I’m going to try for it.” He turned on his heel with a determined expression and walked towards the building without a single glance back.
“Thanks Max,” Lin muttered under her breath.
